He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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