fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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