I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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