I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
