thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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