it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wish there were birth control emojis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
