It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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