Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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