I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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