doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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