moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
