the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
