apparently the secret to your success is patron
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
