Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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