My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
