Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
