I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
