You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
