he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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