I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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