Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i dont even know how to be here
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
