Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
