Four minutes until I can fart!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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