Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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