If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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