i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
