WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
