dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
