Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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