im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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