Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
