he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
