You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
