u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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