Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm bleeding and have questions
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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