If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
