i wish my penis had a tongue
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
