Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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