proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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