The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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