According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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