dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
