Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
