I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
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on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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