Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
