It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
