Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
