im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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