im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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