Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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