Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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