im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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