overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
