The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
