So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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