My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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