After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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