had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
