Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
