Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
