She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
