note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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