Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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